I spent over a year of my life chasing after a f*ckboy, noncommittal man... A YEAR! Let's call him Med Stud. I am now very happily married to an incredible man that shows me affection, sacrifice, and pure joy daily. Every relationship takes work, but the foundation of our marriage is pure and solid. Med stud does not hold a flame to my hunky husband. I learned a lot from Med Stud that I hope can help someone else.
I almost forgot how horrible that situationship with Med Stud made me feel until I am now watching my brother in law navigate similar waters. He has been pawning after, sleeping with, and obsessed with a lady for the past 7-9 months. She told him upfront that she wasn't looking for a relationship. He thought time could change that. He has treated her very well over the past 9 months, yet her feelings on a relationship haven't changed. He tried to walk away only to go back to her. The cycle is so predictable. He is happy and fully of joy when he stays over. In a few weeks, he is back feeling the same heartbreak when she does something a person would do who is not in a committed relationship (after all, she isn't). Does this sound familiar?
It is easy to read that story and think: "Why doesn't he walk away?" "She told him upfront she wasn't interested. It's on him." I hear you and agree, partly. Why is it so hard to walk about from a relationship that isn't right for us?
First, let's dive into my past situationship. Let's break down the major red flags and how to prevent getting yourself into this mess to begin with. If you are already elbows deep, we will get you out of this together.
To Med Stud's credit, he waved every red flag. Med stud told me he loved hanging out with me, but he would be leaving residency a year before me. He did not want to do long distance during residency. Thus, he did not want a serious relationship. He went on to talk about the hurt he had from his previous relationships that scarred him and made him scared of future relationships. I recognized the red flags but justified them. I sympathized for Med Stud thinking he was projecting an image of casual indifference and detachment to shield himself from vulnerability and protecting himself from past hurts and insecurities. However, I thought beneath this facade was a man yearning for something deeper. I started to create this ideal in my head of how great we could be together, meeting his family, etc.
I remember telling myself that I did not want a relationship either. This was perfect. We would basically be together without the label. If you treat each other well, who needs a label? Well, that argument does not work for someone that is telling (via actions and words) you that they do not want what you want.
Lesson 1: Do not fall in love with the idea of a person.
Lesson 2: Listen to what they are telling you. Do not tell yourself what you want to hear.
The issues started to arise when I wanted and expected more. For example, Med Stud and I would spend a couple days together. I thought it was a great weekend just to not hear from him for a couple days after. Fast forward- Med Stud's family would be in town. I wanted to meet his family, but the invite never came. Med Stud would book trips with his friends and not talk me to me beforehand (why would he- I'm not his girlfriend), but he would ask me to watch his dog while he was gone. Eventually, I started to spiral. I thought if we are hanging out at least 3-4 nights a week, there is no way he is seeing someone else. My carefree, cool card started to deteriorate. My heart would sink when I would see him liking other lady's photos on social media. Writing this emphasizes what an unhealthy part of my life I was in. It started to consume my thoughts. I brought up to Med Stud that I wanted more. He stood his ground in not wanting to define us but gas lit me into thinking we were basically a couple just without the title. The thing is, we were not a couple. He was not treating me how I wanted to be treated. I just wouldn't demand the respect I deserved. He, however, talked about how much he loved hanging out with me and such. I tried to go no contact several times just to see him out somewhere. I would fall back into the same pattern.
Lesson 3: You should not be embarrassed to admit that you want a relationship and that you deserve to be treated well. If I do not demand respect for myself, who else will? I have learned that I will gain feelings for someone I am spending a lot of time with and sleeping with. I will want a relationship with them.That's okay!
Lesson 4: If you are begging someone to treat you well, they are not worth it. He is just not that into you. The truth will burn, but it will burn less the sooner you accept it and move on.
WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO DATE ME??!!!
I remember asking myself (and my friends) this. If you are asking yourself this, it doesn't matter! You are beautiful and unique. MOVE ON. However, my friends told me that. I didn't listen, so let's break it down further why he doesn't want to date you, and WHY you want to date him?!
He doesn't like you enough. Sorry for the hard truth, but you may need to hear it. Some sex is better than no sex. Some company is better than loneliness. This is by no means a refelction of you. You can spend so much time trying to figure out why. The best thing is to accept that he is not a good match for you and move on. There is only one you. You are uniquely you.
He doesn't respect you.
He has issues. Have your friends ever told you that you have a type? That you go after bad guys or the f*ckyboys? Why is that? I think that movies, books, and love songs have sold me on this idea of turning the bad guy good. I'm here to tell you that I do not think this is reality. Someone has to want to be a good partner. Often, the "bad guys" have a lot of issues that you cannot fix.
They have to want to fix themselves. I have known many women that have married that "bad man turned good" just for them to end in divorce for a variety of reasons- infidelity, narcissism, addiction, etc. This is not your project to fix. It will only bring you down with him.
I finally married a good guy. I highly recommend.
I found this response on a reddit page from a self reported fuckboy. It is harsh. "How does a legendary fuckboy like me end up married, committed and happy? Well, I found someone worth committing to. Someone unique, who, in losing, I would never find again. Someone who is a real catch. In short, I found someone is good enough. That's the thing about fuckboys. They're not stupid. They just don't commit until they know that they found someone to whom it is appealing to commit."
I can see different perspectives on the above thought. If proposed fuckboy was honest that he did not want a relationship from the beginning, who is at fault? The fuckboy or the person that agreed to enter into the relationship? My thoughts on the above fuckboy's confession? He sounds like a selfish, narcissist who didn't have to guts to just tell past partners they will never like that person enough to ever date them but strung them along. Some fuckboys are after the chase. I have seen many noncommittal men settle down just to cheat on their partner.
Do you want to force a man into committing to you? This is the foundation of your relationship. They are success stories you can find online of a noncommittal man settling down. I will say that sometimes things evolve. It is not always black and white. If you are meeting someone that says they don't want a relationship but it evolves into a relationship early on, that's great. This article is more meant for the person who proves over and over again (via words and action) that they do not want a relationship with you.
So, how do you get yourself out of this mess?
Back to med stud and myself.... after an entire year of pawning after him, I finally hit my fill. It came out that he was seeing other women (go figure). I blocked him. I deleted him off social media. There is only forward. Own your decision.
Rejection hurts. Sometimes the chase of it all will draw you back. I had to remind myself that I was in love with the idea of Med Stud, not him. Med Stud actually did not treat me well. The first few weeks and even months of detox are going to be the hardest.
Stand up for yourself. Demand the love you deserve.
Stand up for yourself. Tell them that you are looking for something they are not willing to give. This is no longer healthy for you. Then leave. You do not owe anything else. Less is more. Do not send long texts.
No contact.
This is very important in the initial stages while you detox and heal. Everyone handles this part differently. Some people move on quickly. I did not. Do not text them, especially if you are lonely after drinking. It is okay to feel lonely.
Social media is going to make this detox so much worse. I unfollowed my exes on social media. If not, I found myself checking their social media pages. You need to completely detox. Grieve the loss. Forward is the only direction.
Keep busy. You are in an unique chapter of your life. You will be in a relationship again. Chances are, one day you will living in a home with a partner. This time is focused on you and your friends/family. Cherish this time getting to know yourself, cultivating hobbies and friendships.
Confidence and beauty come from within. Journal, work out, eat well. If I mope, eat poorly, and drink a lot, this usually results in acne, weight gain, and mood swings. You are in control of your life. Become the healthiest version of yourself.
Lastly, I am sorry you are in this situation. I did find a man that puts me first everyday. He makes me feel like the most beautiful, cherished woman on the planet. I love spending my time with him. I wish I had eternity with him. Not to say that every relationship does not take patience and work, but whoever is reading this, I want this for you. You deserve to have a strong foundation in your relationship.
Let's grow with each other. Can you relate to any of the above? What helps you?